I'm going to jail i love you
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
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He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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