I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
