Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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