Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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