When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
