Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday