His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
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my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.