John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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