I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
