Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
