Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
