I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
