i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
