you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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