my phone needs a breathalizer
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
