the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
