I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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