life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
