We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
