I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
