So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There r osticjed everywhere
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
