i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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