I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
