Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
