I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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