I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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