I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
