to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
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I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
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I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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