Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
