My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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