I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
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We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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