If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
