see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
