I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
