Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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