he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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