girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
