that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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