so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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