I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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