There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
