it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
