my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
