Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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