I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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