Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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