It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
