A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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