i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
