Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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