Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
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We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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