Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
