my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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