PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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