How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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